fear of (a) average mind

you are human, no thing you do is wrong

A little incentive regained (Report from the End / day 13) #

i went for a bike ride today on my newly fixed bike named Hoax. i have always been a bike rider, since i was a wee one. Part of the reason i am wasting away (a big one) wanking to the internet is my bike has been fucked, sitting in my corridor. The bottom bracket (the bit that holds the peddles on) has always been i bit funny since i found her and one day it just "went". i bought the tool to remove it, i just didn't have the incentive (it takes a lot of strength you see). So i just went on the internet and started to waste away.

i look down a street upon which the sun shone, reflecting in a piece of sellotape which held a picture of a lost cat. The picture long gone.

On a site i met Hoax, we became good friends (sort of) then i made her cry, we had a falling out. It really shook me up in real life. i was pacing up and down my flat, heart racing, i had energy (to much). So i dragged my bike into the living room and took it out on that. What do ya know, i got the bottom bracket out. In a funny way she gave me incentive that just may save this worthless life yet. We are not friends on that site anymore ): Next week bought a new one, bingo, bike fixed.

Hoax Originally uploaded by John Le Fucker.

Now all i need to do is shave my head and beard (maybe get slimmer and a tan) and i should be back to denying my unhappiness to myself again. i find it is incentive that is the killer, or the lack of said. Once you lose incentive to do one thing it snowballs into other things and you find you have a "lack of incentive to live". Funny how something that is killing you can sometimes be the thing to save you.

i saw a piece of polystyrene in the canal today, it looked like fish meat.

Mental state:
Tired of denying i am depressed to myself.

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